accepting chaos

By primarily acknowledging that the first distortion/law of the pure godhead/one infinite creator is free will (followed by love [creation] and light [knowledge]) I have come to realise the weight of free will/chaos/disorder. Being in the material world, one is surrounded by discord constantly.

– The endless dissymmetry /incongruence of the visual terrain

– The constant paradoxes, dichotomies, multiplicities of intellectual/psychological realities

– The disorder and discord of and between personalities

Free will/Chaos is the Order to which we abide. Through this ordained disorder order is found; in synchronicities, faith-affirming events, epiphanies… Beautiful patterns, sacred fractals arise from the nebulous chaotic void of endless possibility.

Accepting the mutual dualities of chaos and order, as one accepts the mutual dualities of existence and non-existence, knowledge and ignorance, I realise that further perception exists beyond the amalgamation of polarities. When two people have a child, the child is not just a brilliant combination of the attributes of both parents. The offspring amalgamates the qualities of the parents, but adds more, its own self. A whole other whole. It is as if neutralizing/mutualising polarities creates some sort of mathematic effect… In coming together, polarities magnify their power/immanence tenfold.

However, all the thought and feeling gone into the notion of the mutualisation of polarities has not mystically alleviated me from working with them. Polarities, dichotomies, paradoxes are ever so present in my conscious mind, and naturally, instead of facing them head-on, I redirect my conscious onto conceptualising their existential grounds. This contemplation and deep brooding is philosophically fruitful. However the fruits, although beautiful, serve little practicality in ‘the real world’. Capitalist, consumerist society does not bother itself much with the accommodation of existential pursuits. I must operate within this world, I must find a way to manipulate the matrix. Basically, I must ground myself to do this. I must accept the world around me; the discordant, chaotic, material world.

Last night, in meditation an image/feeling of chaos started to arise. It was not scary, it was actually quite beautiful. Total randomness and expansiveness, (much less jolting than the visuals I’ve had of Order – repetitive and emotionless 2D matrixes). A few days earlier I had been talking to a friend about how loving acceptance means total acceptance of absolute chaos. Accepting the chaos, and surrendering to it. At the time our discussion felt a little irrelevant. However, in this clear space meditation provided I realised the relevance of that discussion – I was to accept the chaos, surrender myself to it. In accepting the chaos, I was releasing all my ties to order. I had never before quite fathomed the intensely immediate relationship surrender and acceptance had with one another. I realised my resistance to surrendering in the fear of entering some purgatorial-fear-matrix was not an intense fear of chaos, but an intense fear of order. I grounded myself in the remembrance of total free will/chaos being the grounds of creation. And through this, found a sort of mindless freedom. The conscious mind had released its fear of order, and I had released myself from the order of the conscious mind.

Words can only trap and belittle such formless, amorphous concepts – but they are also such concise and beautiful tools, that when used together create perceptions of their own.

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